Review: "The Expendables"

A team of Mercenaries, headed up by Sylvester Stallone, are hired by a mysterious man to handle a problem on the fictional island of Valenia, in the Gulf of Mexico.

I only gave you a sentence long summary because, to be quite honest, this is not a movie you will watch for the story. Keep reading and you'll understand why.

With a cast consisting of Sylvester Stallone, Jason Stathom, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Mickey Ruorke, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, I was a bit scared for this movie. From the very second I heard about it I was already expecting it to be a formidable pile of excrement, there have been many movies where stars get together and decide they want to make a "Super Movie" (herein referred to as SMs from brevity), and those SMs usually turn out mediocre at best*. After a few months of discussing with friends how obscenely bad this movie could be I saw the first official "The Expendables" trailer, and, to say the least, I was blown away. The action seemed amazing, the cinematography seemed decent, and the dialog seemed bearable, but the best part was actually seeing all those hulking guys together, fighting and shooting. The trailer made me absolutely giddy. Finally, after a few months of disgust and a few months of childish anticipation, I saw "The Expendables" and I'm just not quite sure how to feel.

On the one hand I think this movie is an utter piece of garbage that should be locked away in a vault with the likes of "Gang of Roses". Without spoiling anything, the dialog was cheesy, the story was trash, and at times I just couldn't believe that this group of seemingly everyday normal guys, who just happen to be mercenaries and are built like gods, were friends, something seemed off.  on the other hand I feel like this film was one decapitation away from sending me into a second puberty, in which my mustache grows a mustache and my beard converts into many tiny fists. There were explosions and decapitations and someone even got shot with a gun that separated one half of their body from the other. So even though almost the entire backbone of the movie was trash, the movie was bearable because "SH*T WAS 'SPLODIN".

Like I said before, I'm not quite sure how I feel about "The Expendables".

*There are always exceptions


-JollyOldDro